Catwmn's Cranium

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

I noticed something about myself last night that I found unsettling. I have this terrible habit when I am out in public of comparing myself to other women that are around me...A sort of sizing up if you want to look at it that way....

Last night while we were out at the club I was surrounded by women who had money...and lots of it..(Houston is full of very wealthy people).who had obviously had plastic surgery, or botox, or other procedures done...and some of them were natural beauties...and for a moment I almost let it make me feel ugly...notice I said ALMOST...

I found myself trying to compare myself to them...(which I know is unhealthy) but it's hard not to do...and when I had finished checking off the lists in my head the comparison was obviously not in my favor...(looks wise)

But when I started to think more about this this morning I realized that it's ok....it's ok that I don't have fake boobs, or a spray on tan, or perfect skin...because I am me....I am low maintenance...and I think generally people like me because I am "real" there are no masks or facades with me....it's Cat that you get and if you don't like it..oh well..get over it....I think generally people find me approachable and easy to talk to..and at the end of the day it's what's on the inside that counts....

It reminds me of a metaphor I will try to describe here....

There are these two houses, both are essentially the same size and square footage....one has an exterior that is obviously showing some wear for the weather...but the inside of the house is filled with love and caring, and warmth...and the feeling that you get when you go inside is one of acceptance and happiness.

The other house however has had a lot of exterior work done to make it LOOK good on the outside...new paint, new shutters, and even a new walkway....but when you go inside and look deeper you will notice that the pipes are rusted, and the plumbing is in disrepair, the air conditioning is broken, and none of the appliances work...and there is tension, and turmoil in the air...

Which house would you want to be? For me the choice is easy...I would rather show a little wear and tear and still be myself, and have that inner peace. That being said there is nothing wrong with exercise and diet to try to make yourself healthier and in turn look better...I am all for that....but when I really think about all of that surgery and injections...I have to say that if you are that insecure about yourself (and believe me I have felt that way from time to time)to feel like you need to go under the knife to be accepted..then you need to find a new crowd to hang with..because those people are NOT your friends...and they have issues of their own...

I have had my fair share of struggles with self esteem and body image issues in my life...but I have been working hard on all of that lately...and self acceptance is one of my biggest goals....after all if you don't accept and love yourself how in the world can you expect anyone else to?? It has been a HARD struggle though...motherhood is stressful and takes a toll on the body, and the mind...and it's easy for moms to just put their own self care needs aside in favor of caring for their family...I am guilty of it myself...but I realized lately that if I didn't start taking care of myself then I wouldn't be in good enough condition to care properly for anyone else....Scary thought huh??

I feel like this past year has given me a new sense of respect for my body...it has changed a lot since I turned 30...and it was terrifying at first...but I feel more at home in my own skin today than I ever have...sure I would love to lose a little weight, and take better care of myself....but go under the knife?? I think not...let the gravity take hold...that's what wonderbras are for...

Posted by Catwmn :: 1:22 PM :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------------- The Gourds At Continental Club Houston TX

Last night Bart and I had the pleasure of going to the Continental Club to see The Gourds.
They were awesome as usual...I only wish their set hadn't ended so soon. They were actually the opening group for another group called "Big Smith". I was not impressed with Big Smith..and I thought it was funny that the opening band(the Gourds) Packed the house full and as soon as they were done and Big Smith took the stage the place seemed to empty out rather quickly(including Bart and I and Jade)..

The night all in all was very good though...we started out by going to Mai's Vietnamese Restaurant in Downtown Houston and eating Spring Rolls and Chicken Fried Rice with lots of Peanut Sauce....and then headed to The Continental Club(which is within walking distance) to see the Gourds.

Surprisingly enough I drank only one beer at the bar....the rest of the night I drank Coke and water....yes I know it is odd for me to go out to a bar and not drink...but I was already so tired due to lack of sleep the night before that I couldn't imagine drinking while I was that tired...I surely would have fallen asleep standing up...

I am still very tired today even though I slept last night....I guess I am getting too old to stay up that late at night...

Anyways...I have a lot of stuff I would like to do today, but I'm not sure yet if I will make it off the couch..LOL. Only time will tell what will happen in that but if I am feeling energetic enough later I will come back online and post what I DID get done..if anything...

Posted by Catwmn :: 12:35 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Chronic Exhaustion

Chronic Exhaustion- The feeling you get when you do the same old shit every day and every night for months on end. This is the condition I am suffering from lately...mixed with this terrible boredom..and a wee bit of depression/rage/sadness....

I know..it sounds like the same old shit...different day..Cat's sad, poor Cat...

But really...I would challenge anyone who would like to know what it's like to live in my shoes to find the 3 most rambunctious little boys on the face of the earth....and shut themselves up in a house for damn near 3 months with these boys....and then add to that the fact that due to the rambunctiousness of the boys that they can't take them anywhere in public for fear that they will embarrass you....or break something...or break themselves....and then add to that that if you turn your back for even a second you will end up with a wall peeled of all it's wallpaper, or a toilet clogged by a toy, or something dumped all over the floor somewhere..

I have done some things this summer to try to remedy my situation....I bought a pool...and we played and played in it until it got old...and besides who wants to go out in to hundred plus degree temperatures to go swimming and risk burning their skin off in the sun?

I have rearranged furniture...maybe in some strange way I was trying to make the house feel like somewhere else...makes sense to me...but it didn't work...it still feels like the same old place...

I have cleaned things....God knows I feel like I have spent the entire summer cleaning something or other...what I wouldn't give to go somewhere that was already clean for a couple of days, and have a maid pick up after me...I would give my right arm for a spa trip for a week....but in reality it's never going to happen...mainly because it's too expensive...and who has thousands of dollars to blow on a spa trip? Certainly not me...

And if anyone leaves a comment saying.."But Cat..You could have a spa week right in your own home.. Take bubble baths, do facials, do pedicures and manicures...." I will come through the screen and knock your damn teeth out....Yes...of course I could do all of that here in my house...but it wouldn't be the same soaking in a bubble bath with a little boy standing there telling me that his brother just peed on the floor in the other bathroom...kinda ruins the relaxation factor right?

My only salvation is that the kids go back to school on August 16. That is 19 days from now....just under 3 weeks...456 hours....27,360 minutes...yeah I know...it's a LONG time when you think about it that way.....but I keep telling myself every morning when I wake up that if I can just make it til 9pm(that's bedtime for the kids now since I am trying to get them back into their school bedtime routine) without killing anyone that day will be over and I will be one more day down...Not a truly healthy mindset but then again who the hell has all healthy and pure thoughts anyways....nobody that I know..

So there it is...that's where my head's at...if you identify with me....good....if not....sorry....

Posted by Catwmn :: 8:49 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Blogging...And The Joy That Comes From It..*Edited and Updated*

I was doing some random thinking today about blogging...

My husband doesn't understand the need I have to blog...and he doesn't understand the need to read other people's blogs..I have tried my best to explain it using my voice in speaking to him...but I am not good at that so I thought maybe I would try to write how I feel about it..

Where blogs are concerned it is an outlet for me...a way for me to get my feelings and thoughts that float around in my skull out where I can process them and they can be processed by others..

I would much rather write an email to someone than talk to them on the phone...usually because I cannot get the words in my head into sentences to speak...Don't' know if that makes much sense..but I can always get my feelings on paper, or on a computer screen..it's just the nature of who I am..I can't do anything about it..nor do I wish to..I am not sorry about it..nor do I feel guilty because of it...

Everyone is different...one man's paradise is another man's hell...this is the way it is with me and Bart...he hates to write, read, type do anything having to do with words...yet he is in the sign business...which is ALL words... His special talent is with Machines...you know the ones that spew out smoke, and engine grease...big hillbilly trucks, and old jeep willy's wagons...that's what he loves...I love words...I find a special comfort in writing and reading...I am sure he feels the same about his Machines...

I, on the other hand LOVE to read, write, type, but can hardly stand to be on the phone...or generally "talk" to people...I think if I have something to say to someone I would do much better writing it to them in a letter or email...I find it much easier to convey what I am thinking and what is going on in my head in this type of medium...When I am on the phone my thoughts seem to be scattered and unorganized...yet when I go to write them down..they flow freely and without hindrance..

So there it is...why I love to blog...I could never sit in front of someone and "tell" them about my day...I would do a much better job of getting my point across in written format...with the use of verbs, adjectives, nouns and the like....I enjoy painting pictures with words...

Posted by Catwmn :: 5:40 PM :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------------- The Demon That Is...Myspace

For the past couple of days I have witnessed the decline of one of my favorite networking sites on the net. Myspace has had so many glitches the last couple of days that I am considering leaving for good.
One minute you can log in and see your home page...the next minute you get an error message that says your account has been deleted...and the next you cannot log in at all...it's ridiculous. But what's even more ridiculous is that it even makes me mad at all...I mean come on...it's myspace for chrissake....
And I spend entirely too much time there....so maybe in a way it's a good thing that it goes down...therefore I will not be so inclined to WASTE so much time on there....
I will admit the homepages are cool...music..pictures...cool layouts...but in all truth and honesty I can do the same thing here...and Blogger is WAY more stable...
So...for now...this is my new homepage...and maybe when Myspace grows up and gets back to being stable and usable again I will resume with my addiction..but for now I have way more productive things to do with my time...

Posted by Catwmn :: 11:21 AM :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------------- Coming Back To Blogger

Well after several days of Myspace being a total asshole about logging in and getting to my blog and reading other blogs I have given up and come back to Blogger...

So what's been up with me? Not a lot...it's been a LONG summer...and Stressful one...but for the most part I have survived and today is actually a good day...(go figure that one)

I am going to be spending the next couple of weeks getting the kids closets and dresser drawers ready for the coming school year, as well as pre-registering them for school, and procuring school supplies and school clothes...so it's gonna be pretty busy for the next couple of weeks..but that's ok...

I look forward to the kids going back to school so I can get back to my regular gym and diet routine...it's been very hard to stay motivated this summer as far as all of that goes...

So...what's up with my readers? (if you haven't deserted me)

Cat

Posted by Catwmn :: 9:41 AM :: 1 Comments:

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